The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin
by Lanindur Du'Undarian
Summary: My name is Ryan James Lupin, and I am a vampire. Who and what I was before is of no consequence to this collection of memoirs. All you need to know is that I was turned at the age of one, and taken in by a certain Werewolf and an Animagus.
1. The Birthday Cake Disaster 1982

**Disclaimer: I Do not own Harry Potter, It's characters, world or settings. They all belong to JK Rowling, I'm just borrowing them. We only own the original characters in this story and the original situations.**

This is a series of one shots relating to the past of Ryan Lupin, the main character in our story; _Twists of Fate_. If you're going to read this we suggest you read _Twists of Fate_ so you understand where all of this is coming from. Each chapter will be a new one shot, some of which have been briefly mentioned in the main story but haven't gone into detail there. Kodi and I are doing this for fun, one because we love Ryan's character and his interactions with other characters, and two because we have so many ideas for these events that we dont have enough room in the main story from them. We hope you enjoy.

**The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin: Into The Pensieve **

My life has been one of misfortune, fear, unease and equally one of magic, wonder and happiness. I have witnessed and been a part of many things throughout my short time in this world that have shaped the world as we know it this day. So naturally, some idiot with a typewriter has decided they would like to document the events of my life to date, beginning in very early childhood. My name is Ryan James Lupin, and I am a vampire. Who and what I was before I was turned is of no consequence to this collection of memoirs. All you need to know is that I was turned by the King of Vampires at the age of one, and was consequently taken in by a Werewolf and an Animagus who raised me as their own for the rest of my days.

The following memories recount our escapades throughout the years as they surface in my mind. Where should I begin then, you ask? The beginning seems logical obviously, however, I am not the most logical of beings. Thoughts swirl and turn with no real sense of order, therefore as they come forward, I will place them in the Pensieve, and you can witness for yourself the madness that has been my life. However for your first glimpse into my colorful past, I will return to my earliest memory of disappointment as a vampire, my second birthday. The day my father and Sirius decided to bake me a cake. I assure you, that has never happened again since...

**Episode I: The Birthday Cake Disaster - 31st of July, 1982**

_I suppose at the age of two you would assume I didn't fully understand the concept of what my birthday was. I can assure you, you are mistaken. At the physical age of two, my mental age stood at about eight thousand years. Having all memory and knowledge transferred to you from the most ancient king of vampires, Artifex Incruentus, will do that to you. To be completely accurate, I had been counting down the days to my imminent birthday for several weeks, unbeknown to my clueless father. It was a great surprise to Remus when I looked up at him early that morning from my crib and my first words were; _

"Where my present?" Ryan asked looking up at Remus with wide hopeful eyes.

Remus' mouth feel open in shock. He had only just walked in the room and hadn't even had the chance to wish his son Happy Birthday. Remus' eyebrow twitched as he wondered whether Sirius had been in already filling his Ryan's head with ideas. Getting over the initial shock of Ryan actually being aware of the fact that it was his birthday, Remus cleared his throat and said the words he had been so abruptly prevented from saying.

"Happy birthday, Ryan."

"Where my present?" He demanded again, he'd been waiting too long to be let down now.

"I love you too, Daddy." Remus said with a laugh as he reached down into the crib to pick the young boy with outstretched hands up. "We're going to go and get you a present today after Sirius has shown you his surprise."

"Present first. Siwius later." Ryan said folding his arms.

Remus laughed sitting the young vampire on his shoulders. "Ryan, Sirius has worked very hard on his surprise for you. We're all going to go and find you a present after you've seen what Sirius made for you."

"Siwius made Ryan cake. Siwius knows Ryan hate cake. Siwius made cake for himself." Ryan said crossly, folding his arms tighter across his chest.

Remus frowned. "How'd you know he made you a cake?"

"Ryan poofed into kitchen last night. See Siwius baking cake. Blah." Ryan said in disgust sticking his tongue out.

"Ryan." Remus began in a stern tone, looking the young boy meaningfully in the eyes,at the same time a little perplexed about what exactly "Poofed" meant.

Ryan pouted and loosened his arms. "Fine. Ryan eat stupid cake."

"Thank you." Remus said satisfactorily.

"Then get present." He said cheerfully.

"Yes Ryan, then you'll get your present." Remus said rolling his eyes.

Ryan grinned revealing a short pointy fang as his father carried him into the kitchen, where Sirius was waiting with a large and magnificent chocolate cake in the shape of a rabbit. As far as birthday cakes go, Sirius had done amazingly well. The rabbit cake looked very realistic indeed, the icing even had miniscule little lines to represent fur. He and Remus had gone to an extreme amount of detail in creating the cake, despite the fact that Ryan would most likely not notice its beauty. Although he did seem to have a bizarre affinity for rabbits.

"Happy Birthday midget." Sirius said with a wide grin as he whipped the boy off of Remus' shoulders and stood him on one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "Look, it's a rabbit."

Ryan's eyes lit up with joy as he looked at the rabbit lying on the table, causing Sirius to laugh. Ryan poked his tongue out between his fangs at Sirius, who laughed again and lit the two candles on top of the cake with a wave of his wand. The cake had the words, 'Happy Birthday Ryan' plastered across it in sloppy blue writing. Remus grinned as Ryan's eyes lit up in anticipation, then gave Sirius a knowing glance. Just as they drew breath to begin singing happy birthday Ryan huffed out the candles and plunged towards the cake, fangs bared, so quickly that neither of the men had time to stop him. All they could do was watch, completely dumbstruck, as Ryan mutilated the cake.

"Ryan!" both the men called in alarm as the boy came up coughing and spluttering, spitting out crumbs of chocolate cake and icing as he gasped for air.

"Bad Siwius!" Ryan spluttered angrily, wiping the chocolate substance from his mouth hastily. "You twick Ryan. That not real rabbit, it cake rabbit!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow and turned to Remus. "Um, is it natural that he went for the neck?" He asked, noticing that the jugular of the rabbit cake had been destroyed.

"I'm not entirely sure..." Remus said slowly as he picked the chocolate covered boy up from the chair and cleaned him off with a wave of his wand.

Ryan glared angrily at Sirius as he was being de-chocolafied.

"I'm sorry kid, I thought you'd like a cake for your birthday." Sirius said as he picked up the mutilated rabbit and moved it to the bench. "People don't usually drain the blood of animals to celebrate their birthdays, you see?"

"Ryan don't like cake, Ryan like blood." Ryan said darkly. "Ryan want real rabbit next time."

"Perhaps we should go and pick out your presents now, Ryan, what do you think?" Remus asked quickly.

"Ryan want good present now." Ryan said determinedly. "Can Ryan have a real rabbit, daddy?"

"I'm sorry Ryan, you can't have a real rabbit." Remus said gently seeing the look of disappointment on the boy's face. "But we'll find you something even better, I promise. Now go see Uncle Sirius while I find your coat."

Sirius took the downtrodden boy in his arms as Remus disappeared and looked at him with a sly grin. "Ryan?"

"Yeah?" he asked sadly.

"Uncle Sirius knows where to find you a real rabbit, but you can't tell Daddy, ok?"

"Really Uncle Siwius?" Ryan asked hopefully, "A real one?"

"A real one, but it'll be our little secret, alright?" Sirius said sternly.

"Ryan good at secrets, Uncle Siwius. Daddy will never know."


	2. Love At First Suck

**Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, it's themes, characters or settings. We just borrowed them all for this story, We do stake claims on the original characters and situations however. Don't sue.**

**The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin: Into The Pensieve**

**Episode II: Love At First Suck – A Sugary Addiction Is Born.**

_In the thousands of years I have lived on this earth, I have learned that introducing a child to candy can be the most ill advised decision you will ever make. In my case, I was two years old when my father first took me to a candy store. Little did he know that that one unplanned visit would lead to a life time of physical addiction. In that one day I learned the many wonders of sugar and blood combined, and the glorious Blood Pop would become my first love..._

Sun shone brightly down into the dusty cobbled streets of rural France that bright April morning. Toddling down the street hand in hand with his father, Ryan cowered in the gigantic man's shadow, attempting to escape the sunshine. Despite having been administered the Sol Solis Amiculum Potion daily, Ryan still severely disliked being out in daylight hours. So much so that he preferred to keep Remus awake all night and sleep all day. However on this particular morning Remus had several errands to run, therefore Ryan could not escape the daylight, for Sirius was out of town. As the unlikely father and son made their way back home, they happened upon a quaint little corner shop that for some reason attracted Ryan's attention. Perhaps it was the faint lingering smell of blood from the 'Acquired taste' section of the store, or perhaps it was the bright and sparkly objects in the display window. Whatever it was, Ryan was determined to go inside, and Remus was prepared to allow him for being so well behaved.

"Daddy, look!" Ryan said excitedly, pointing at the display window, "Pretty colors."

Remus grinned. "It's a candy store, you're right, it is pretty."

"Candy?" Ryan inquired. "Is candy good, Daddy?"

"You want to go in and try some?" Remus asked him hunching down with a small smile. "I think you'll like it. I used to love candy when I was your age."

"Ryan want candy. Candy look good." Ryan decided happily.

"Alright kid, let's go choose some to try." Remus said leading him in through the double doors that chimed as they entered.

The shop was relatively quiet for a candy store in the late hours of the morning, however this did not seem to deter the werewolf or his vampiric son, whose eyes widened slightly at the vast amounts of various sweets. As the sweet smells of chocolate, caramel and marshmallow wafted to their nostrils both inhaled deeply, and allowed their sense of smell to drag them in opposite directions towards the most desirable scented sweet. Ryan floated as if on air with his eyes closed, letting his senses guide him, and when at last he opened his eyes he found that he had come to a stand still in front of one of the most holy things he had ever witnessed; a large wall of shelving dedicated to the Blood flavored sweets.

As Ryan's wide eyes scanned the shelving and a trickle of drool slide down his chin from his open mouth, he began to contemplate whether his father would agree to him moving into the candy store and camping out in the blood section. He was about half way through completing his oral proposal when his eyes fell upon a jar full of heaven. The red label beneath read in bold writing; _Blood Pops._

There was one failing to Remus' plan of allowing Ryan to peruse the candy store. That failing was that he had forgotten how cunning Ryan had become, and how his short little legs could move deceivingly fast for their length. Unfortunately for Remus, he did not recognize his own failing until it was far too late. The only warning signs he had were the sounds of a midget struggling with something heavy as it heaved and grunted, and the slight scrabble of a few hard sweets going astray across the wooden floor.

"Ryan?" Remus called in concern across the room, straining to see over some shelving, "Are you alright?"

"Oh yes Daddy," Ryan replied in a casual voice, "Ryan is fine, go about your business."

"What are you doing over there?" He called suspiciously, craning his neck.

What came to his ears was a muffled voice that seemed to say 'Nothing', but it was hard to make out. It sounded as though something solid was sitting in his mouth, preventing him from speaking clearly. A sudden thought dawned on Remus and he groaned wearily, striding quickly towards the source of the muffled noises. As he rounded a row of shelves he came across Ryan, sitting on the floor, legs sprawled out with a huge jar of Blood Pops sitting in between them, his left hand digging around in its contents, his right holding a rather large pop in his mouth.

"Me like Blood Pops, Daddy." Ryan said beaming up at him, his eyes wide from the sugar.

"Ryan no." Remus groaned, "You can't eat those, we haven't paid for them. You can't eat them until you've paid for them, that's how it works."

Ryan removed the already sampled blood pop from his mouth and looked up at his father matter-of-factly. "Alright Daddy, you go pay for candy, Ryan take candy outside."

"Ryan-" Remus began in exasperation as the young boy clambered to his feet and strained under the weight of the huge jar as he picked it up. "All those blood pops aren't yours, you can't-"

"Me wait outside for you Daddy, hurry up. Nice lady waiting." Ryan said with a mischievous smile as he edged toward the doorway.

"Ryan I-" Remus started.

"That'll be 21 Galleons and 2 Sickles please, Sir." The shop assistant said cheerfully, her eyes shining with glee as Ryan disappeared out of the shop door.

Remus suddenly turned a sickly shade of green. "How much?" He asked weakly.

"21 Galleons and 2 Sickles." The assistant repeated politely.

"RYAN!" Remus bellowed, "Get your butt back in here you little vampiric ankle biter!"

A wild looking pair of green eyes peeped around the corner of the door frame, darted from side to side frantically with manic glee before a short blur of a form shot past the open door. Oddly enough, it appeared to be carrying a large jar full of red lollipops and giggling maniacally. Remus gulped as he turned to the shop assistant, shrugged weakly before withdrawing his wallet timidly from his pocket, still looking slightly weak.

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**Authors Note: **Man this is fun, so much less pressure. Hope everyones enjoying these, I'll be updating them as they come to us,this could get very long, we have millions of these. Thanks for all the reviews and feedback, its great. Well, ill be updating Twists of Fate very soon, Until then,

Lanindur Du'Undarian


	3. Something To Sink Your Teeth Into

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter, it's themes, characters or settings. Don't sue.

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**The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin**

**Something To Sink Your Teeth Into**

_I can proudly admit that I am a connoisseur when it comes to fine Vampire cuisine, however, every connoisseur has a lapse every now and then. I have to admit on this day I was slightly under the influence, so it would be fair to say that my judgment was not at it's best on this occasion. It's amazing what natural power sugar holds over the minds perceptions, how stationary objects appear to move, how animated objects appear fake. Well, you get the picture, you'll have to excuse my lack of enthusiasm in admitting that this event took place. However, even if I denied it, my father has it well documented and photographed to argue against my case._

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"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you at such a late hour. My name is Remus Lupin, you haven't by chance seen a rather rabid looking 12 year old running around the neighborhood have you? Dark, messy hair? Pale clammy skin? Unusually pointy teeth? Possibly laughing maniacally and sucking on sweets? You see I've lost my son-"

It was about this time that the door slammed in Remus' face. He had to admit that the dressing gown clad woman with curlers in her hair did not look particularly impressed at being awoken at such an ungodly hour. However, Remus couldn't help but think she wouldn't be terribly impressed if she woke up with two puncture wounds on her neck and no pulse, either. He still found himself at a loss for how oblivious and naïve Muggles were these days. It was that kind of nonchalance that made him even more concerned for Ryan's whereabouts, and what exactly he was doing. Muggles were so foolish, so completely uneducated that it made life pretty damn good for Vampires, who were still considered a myth or a fairy tale amongst the Muggle population, along with Werewolves and Wizards.

Remus sighed and hastily moved up the block further, scanning the streets for his hyperactive son, who had somehow managed to OD on Bloodpops, yet again. He had discovered the ill effect that too many sweets had on his son when he was but 2 years old. Fortunately that day had been a mild attack, and Ryan had been controllable; barely, but still controllable. Unfortunately since then, Ryan had had the odd slip up, resulting in far worse attacks, though fortunately with no loss of human life yet. Remus sniffed the air carefully. Somewhere off to his left a wafting scent that was extremely familiar floated toward him, and he made a sharp turn and veered in that direction.

Luckily he could not smell fresh blood, which he took to be a good sign, though, as he drew nearer to the scent's source, a peculiar noise could be heard. A muffled shouting noise, followed by what sounded like the scrabbling of fingernails on a metal surface, and the restless staggering sound of footsteps on concrete. Remus' brow furrowed in concern and he quickened his pace, rounding a street corner to come across a scene that made him stop in his tracks, his eyes widening in surprise.

There was a good thing and a puzzling thing about the scene that met Remus, and as he stood there staring like a stunned mullet, he began to ponder both. The good thing was that he had found Ryan and that there was no sign of any human victim. The puzzling thing was that Ryan appeared to be attached to a foreign object, namely that of a lamppost. Ryan continued to struggle on in vain for several minutes before abruptly becoming aware of his audience. He stopped suddenly, looking like a possum caught in headlights as he fixed eyes with a very amused looking Remus, who was now pacing around Ryan and his new body part with particular enjoyment.

"A 'ittle 'elp 'ere 'lease-" Ryan said impatiently, the post getting in the way of his tongue.

"I'm sorry what was that?" Remus asked his eyes shining with joy.

Ryan had obviously decided to take a nice juicy bite out of the lamppost, for reasons Remus could not, and refused to try and justify. Unfortunately for the Vampire, his razor sharp fangs had penetrated the post, lodging themselves deep within it and became stuck, fixed fast in the rock hard surface. Ryan put his hands on his hips, glaring angrily at his father as he struggled to maintain his posture, almost doubled over at the waist, mouth wide open so that drool was now beginning to run down the side of his chin.

"'Ou 'eard me." Ryan said darkly.

"And what do you plan on doing if I set you free?" Remus inquired, folding his arms, quite enjoying the situation.

"I'll 'ind a 'ice 'uman or two to eat. 'en i'll 'errorize the 'eighborhood." Ryan replied casually.

"Still under the influence I see." Remus said raising an eyebrow.

"I'll set the 'unnies on 'ou if 'ou 'on't set me fwee." Ryan threatened.

"The what now?" Remus arched his eyebrows.

"Th 'unnies. The 'unnies I 'ell 'ou. 'On't 'ou under'and 'nglish?" Ryan said, growing more and more frustrated.

"Okay." Remus said slowly, "Dad's just going to conjure your cage now Ryan, ok? Then I'll get your teeth out of the nasty pole. But first, smile for the camera, Ryan. Daddy needs a new photo for his scrapbook."

The glare that crossed Ryan's face was so severe Remus swore if looks could kill he would be nothing but a pool of blood on the ground. A camera appeared in Remus' hand and the glee on Remus' face was unmistakable as he put the lens to his eye and snapped the first of many shots of a very peeved-looking Ryan.

"'Appy now?" Ryan asked moodily.

"That should be adequate, yes." Remus said satisfactorily as he conjured a large cage down over the lamppost and his son. "Now, whatever you do, don't move. If I don't hit you in the exact right spot you could loose your nose..."

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**Author's note: **Sigh. Now I defnitly enjoyed that. Hope you all like it, been dying to do that one since the idea popped into my head back when it was mentioned in ToF. Think it was like chapter nine or something , I don't know, I really should readour own stories I guess. Anyway, until next time,

Lanindur Du'Undarian


	4. Spontaneous Self Combusting Cows

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill by now.We own shit, none of which pertains to Harry Potter or its contents

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.

**The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin**

**Episode IV: The Tale Of The Spontaneous Self Combusting Cows**

_I have to admit that this one caused my father a lot of grief. Cows that suddenly sprouted fangs were not a common thing in the Muggle world, and Remus had an awfully hard time explaining to the Muggle farmer why his herd needed to be quarantined until dawn. Fortunately for us both, inbreeding was prevalent in rural Western Australia at the time of my escapades, and the farmer we happened to cross was not the brightest of intellectuals. I do believe however, that after he exclaimed his herd of cows exploded into clouds of dust one by one at first light he was locked in St. Mortimer's Asylum for the Nimble Minded. Sigh. You can't save them all..._

"Aw, hello sweetie, what's your name?"

Ryan had been in mid sneak across the shadowed, dimly lit street when he was busted. Hunched over him with a pathetic gooey grin on her face was a young woman of about 20 to 30 years of age, staring at Ryan with such adoration that he was quite inclined to vomit. However, his first reaction was too look up at her in a bewildered fashion with his infamous 'caught in the headlights' face. To Ryan's dismay, it only made her become more disgustingly taken with his charming good looks. Three, he decided, was a terrible age to be for a roguishly handsome young man, for every young woman you came across had this impulsive desire to pinch your cheeks and talk to you in ridiculous voices whilst planting kiss after sloppy kiss on your face until you were dripping with saliva. And it didn't stop with the young women, oh no, it only got worse when the old ducks from the retirement villages escaped and wandered past.

This latest women was the last straw. There is only so much a young vampire can take, and being pounced upon by strange women of all ages for months now had finally taken its toll. Well, no more cutsie stares and cheek pinching for this vampiric toddler. Oh no, this little vampire had finally had enough.

"My name is Rwan, and I vant to suck your blood." he said innocently.

_Damnit. Why do they always insist on picking me up?_ he thought in exasperation as he found himself hoisted off the ground.

The woman laughed in an '_oh, that's so cute_' manner, before pinching Ryan's cheek as he rested in her arm. The young boy's eyebrow twitched dangerously.

"Honey, did you hear that? Someone's been watching too many vampire movies, yes you have, yes you have you cutsie wutsie wittle boy." She said with a giggle, before turning to her boyfriend, "He's cold, he must only be three years old, where's his parents? Do you think they lost him?"

_More like I lost him, ignorant woman. Ryan_ thought with a snicker knowing full well that Remus would be tearing around western Australia in search of him by now.

"He probably slipped away from them," The young man said with a shrug, "Three year olds are hard work."

_You ain't seen nothing yet, buddy. _Ryan thought darkly as my tiny fangs elongated.

Ryan grinned to see the young woman's adoring eyes fade to a look of uncertainty as she called to her boyfriend, "Um, sweetheart?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you suppose his teeth are that pointy?" She asked shakily.

"Because, Blunt fangs no pierce flesh." Ryan explained in a tiresome voice as her boyfriend peered over her shoulder to examine his teeth.

It only took one blood red flash of Ryan's eyes and a low growl to make the girl shriek violently and drop Ryan to the ground before they both fled down the street back the way they had come. He picked himself up and dusted himself off, feeling significantly pleased with himself as he darted across the road once more, now unhindered by ignorant Muggles. His blood was pumping with sugar, coursing through every inch of his little body as he ran. Remus had been completely unaware as Ryan had swiped a couple of fists full of blood clots from the candy store as he perused the daily Prophet. If he was going to be good at this father thing, he needed to pay more attention.

Ryan had seen the cows upon his daily stroll with Remus, and immediately he had become fascinated with the creatures. Now, as he retraced his steps to their whereabouts, he could hear his father's faint shouts coming from 100 yards at least behind him. He quickened his pace. So much work to do, so little time. For some reason Ryan could not understand, Remus was very against Ryan's fascination with turning animals into vampires. Frankly, Ryan could not see the harm in sharing his gift with the less fortunate. Remus however, seemed to find this unnerving.

Ryan huffed heavily as he rounded the corner and came across the herd all packing into a pen, grazing by moonlight. Stealthily he climbed into the pen and began his work.

"One moo cow for me." He exclaimed, plunging his teeth into a nearby cows neck. "Another one for me... and another one for me... Hey! Back off! That one's mine!" he snapped at one of the recently made vampire cows who was advancing toward a soon to be victim.

_Mooo _The cow said solemnly.

"You'll get your chance." Ryan said darkly, "My moo cows."

"Ryan James Lupin!" Remus roared, "I told you to stay away from those cows!"

"What moo cows?" Ryan asked in a muffled voice.

"The ones you have your fangs stuck into!" Remus said angrily.

"What fangs?" He asked popping his head up over the neck of a cow.

"The fangs in your mouth!"

"Oh these ones?" he asked, pointing to his fangs that had a small tuft of cow hair stuck in between them.

"Get your butt over here now!" Remus said in exasperation.

"But daddy, we have to get the cows to shelter. The sun will be rising soon." Ryan said desperately.

"Ryan," Remus said quietly, "Please don't tell me you turned the whole herd."

"Alright, I wont tell you." Ryan said after a moments careful thought.

"Ryan, we can't let them live." Remus said finally.

"But daddy-"

Remus raised an eyebrow as one of the cows let out a deranged 'moo' and lunged at another, biting its neck. "You see?" Remus asked folding his arms.

"I know." Ryan said proudly, "Aren't they cute?"

"They're dead." Remus pointed out.

"I know, that's why they're so cute." Ryan said simply.

"And if they bite the farmer?"

"Hey... that'd be interesting, can we stick around and watch?"

"No." Remus said firmly, "We're going to keep him away from the cows until the sun comes up and our little problem is solved."

"You can't kill them!" Ryan said desperately, "I worked so hard!"

"Ryan, when are you going to learn that you can't just run around and turn herds of cows into vampires all willy nilly?" Remus asked in exasperation turning his back on Ryan and the pen of cows. "The cows have to go."

Remus raised an eyebrow as he felt a gust of hot air on his neck and an unusual presence. He turned his head ever so slightly to see a large hairy snout with a pair of long fangs looming over his jugular. Remus rolled his eyes and donked it on the nose with his fist, causing it to jump back in surprise.

"You can't turn the hamburger into the hunter, Ryan, it's just not the natural order of things." Remus said with a sigh. "Besides -"

"Um, excuse me?" An unfamiliar voice came from behind Remus.

The werewolf turned to see a short, pudgy sort of man with a mullet holding a milking pail in his hand. "Can I help you?" He asked importantly.

"I was actually going to ask you the same question." the man said gruffly, "Is that your son riding on my cow?"

"Giddy up, Beefy McMooington! Giddy up!" Ryan called with glee as he kicked the cow in the ribs.

"He's still a little confused between cows and horses..." Remus explained dryly. "Ryan! Get over here. Those cows are dangerous!"

"I'd hardly call them dangerous." The farmer protested.

"That's the thing sir, I'm afraid they are. My name is Thompson, from the Dangerous Animal Quarantine Association. I'm afraid your herd has been infected."

"Infected?" The man whispered anxiously, "With what?"

"Well-" Remus said quietly, "Let's just say it induces blood lust. You need to keep away from them until well after dawn."

"You mean to say they might try to bite me?" The man asked incredulously.

"Oh no," Remus said with a small laugh, "They will _definitely_ try and bite you. They are not to be trifled with after being infected."

"But after dawn they'll be fine?" The man whispered.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far..." Remus said under his breath.

"What?"

"Yes, yes perfectly fine. Although there have been a few reported cases of spontaneous self combustion..."

"Spontaneous..."

"Very unlikely." Remus said gently patting the farmer on the shoulder. "Now remember, well after dawn."

"Oh – Oh yes," the farmer said shakily as he back away toward the house, "after dawn, of course."

As the door to the farmhouse shut behind the man Remus turned to Ryan with a dark look. "No more moo cows for you."


	5. Play That Funky Music White Boy

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Harry Potter, it's themes settings or characters. It all belongs to JK Rowling. we own nothing. except the original characters that is...

**The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin: Into The Pensieve**

_There are times in my life when I regret being a child of the 80's and early 90's. weird hair, highlighter socks, adidas track suits, tight jeans and embarrassing music by muggle fools like Kenny Logins. However, no matter how much I regret those days growing up in that kooky generation, no one regretted those years more than Sirius did. Mainly because I would remind him every chance I got, but my god did he ask to be mocked. Oh yes, for Sirius Black, those years were like a hazy nightmare that was all too real, one with vindictive witnesses….._

**Episode V: **Play That Funky Music White Boy

"Uncle Sirius?" Ryan asked wide eyed, in a disturbed voice.

"Yes Ryan?" Sirius shouted over the thumping music.

"What is this shit?" He probed in an alarmed fashion as he watched Sirius, complete with mullet and shiny tracksuit, dance around the living room as if he were having an epileptic fit.

"This -" Sirius replied grinning broadly as he bopped around the house. "Is New Kids On The Block."

Ryan raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You what now?"

"New Kids On The Block!" Sirius repeated, getting his groove on. "It's a muggle band. Amazing what you pick up traveling the world!"

Ryan thought about this for a moment before replying. "I think you mistook my fear for interest. Is their goal to terrify the innocent?"

"Goal?" Sirius repeated as he head banged to 'The Right Stuff'. "What do you mean?"

"I mean -" Ryan yelled in exasperation, "Is it normal that I'm greatly disturbed by this 'New Kids On The Block'"?

"What? You don't like it?" Sirius asked in surprise.

"I didn't know people your age could move that awkwardly." Ryan said in awe as he tilted his head to get a better viewpoint on Sirius' dancing.

"Hey." Sirius cried slightly offended. "This is how everyone's dancing these days."

"How unfortunate. The multitudes will look back and shudder on these years." Ryan prophesized. "How I wish I had a camera."

"Why?" Sirius asked dangerously.

Ryan smirked. "You have no idea how retarded you look right now."

Sirius snorted. "You're just jealous because I've got the 'right stuff'." he goaded, busting out a move.

"If that's the right stuff this is a very sick nation." Ryan noted.

"Alright, how about some MC Hammer?"

"That a new hamburger? Cause unless its dripping with blood I ain't buying it." Ryan asked in a bored voice.

Sirius smacked his forehead. "You're way out of the loop. I really need to find you some friends your own age."

"Tried that. Ate 'em." Ryan replied with a yawn as he folded his arms and sat down in an arm chair. "How much longer are you planning to awe me with your ungodly ability to move like a drunk squirrel?"

"Oh you'll like this one." Sirius said with a grin. "Check this shit out."

Sirius pulled out his wand and pointed it at the tape player which skipped to the next song, 'Can't touch this.' Seeing Ryan roll his eyes he held out his hand motioning for him to wait for the best part. He took his wand again, pointed them at his pants and with a bang a cloud of smoke appeared around his legs. Ryan squinted awkwardly as the smoke cleared to see the most ridiculous thing he could ever have imagined. Sirius in MC Hammer pants.

"What the hell are they?"

"Cool huh?" Sirius said, checking himself out.

"They're fluorescent pink." Ryan exclaimed with both eyebrows raised.

"I know." Sirius said in an excited whisper.

"Sirius?"

"Yes Ryan?"

"I'm Sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"This." Ryan said simply as he shot a disarming spell at Sirius, who flew back into the wall behind him, destroying his tape player in the process.

"Ouch!"

"Like I said, I'm sorry." Ryan said with a shrug. "Please tell me that those pants look ridiculous now that you've had your ass kicked?"

Sirius looked down then back at Ryan. "I like them."

Ryan smacked his forehead in exasperation. "I was afraid of this. You're being serious. Tell me white boy, do you ever want to have a girlfriend ever again?"

"Of course." Sirius replied as if that were a ridiculous question.

"Then lose the fluro pants. And for the love of all that is holy never dance in my presence again."

"For once I entirely agree." Remus' violated voice came from behind him. "Sirius, that was truly the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed, and I think I would like you to apologize now."

Sirius looked up at him in disbelief. "He broke my tape."

"Thank you God." Remus said dropping to his knees and looking up toward the ceiling. "Thank you, thank you."

Sirius scowled at them both before pointing his wand at his pants and transforming them back to normal. "Fine. If you don't appreciate my taste that's your loss. You'll regret this when we look back in ten years time. Oh you'll see…"

"Sirius if you ever dance in my presence again I'll make sure you can never taste again." Ryan said threateningly.

"I'm not that bad!" Sirius protested.

"Not that bad? A nuclear blast isn't as bad as that was." Remus said with a snort.

"Fine, fine. I won't dance."

"Thank you."

"Only cause I hate to make you look bad." he said under his breath.

Both Remus and Ryan rolled their eyes in exhaustion and slowly got up walking away from the scene without making eye contact. As they walked they were left questioning the sanity of their companion.


End file.
